Personal Thoughts on Mental Illness (NOT a Poem)

For far too long I have hidden behind words through poems or secluded myself and used lyrics in complete darkness to try to understand my pain/euphoria/anxiety/agitation. I have always had a difficult time addressing my own issues directly. Whether it be family, friends or even in groups dealing with similar problems I can talk and give wonderful advice. I am capable of having the biggest heart and being full of compassion. Unfortunately, when it comes to myself I freeze. I internalize everything and just choose not to face my own issues. The pain has haunted me for so long I suppose it has just become a hard habit to break. 
I think I have gone down every avenue at this point. Regrettably that covers good and bad. Of course, rinse and repeat. Journaling, therapy, hospitals, friends, family, support groups, internet reading, books, hospitals, suicide attempts, 2 comas, drugs, alcohol, self-harm etc. I think most of us know the drill. It is never easy and I believe you live and learn. Sometimes it takes many times of going through the same things over and repeating the same mistakes just to get it through our thick heads.  
Some techniques work better than others of course and again everyone is different. My problem that I guess I have found is that there never has been one perfect solution. It will last for just so long and then I have to find something else. Thus, the writing. My mask if you will. A sense that I can get out hidden emotions even if it may only make sense to myself sometimes.  
What I have found though is the writing is never enough. And sadly, there is always something that tags along. I may be able to do therapy for an extended period of time, but there is always something that accompanies that. 
Fighting that endless battle to find the solution to constantly cope with this beast that always seems to have a strangle hold is tough. Not exactly fair. I didn’t ask for this, but it is what it is and it is something I have to keep fighting. Am I the most uplifting person in the world? No not always. And certainly, if you read my poetry you wouldn’t be able to tell this at all. But if you sat across from me, you’d see a fighter. Quite often even a big smile. Not one that always wins, but at least I try and get up.  
I am absolutely not proud of the times I have drank far too much and made an ass out of myself. Or turned to drugs. Or put family and friends through watching me lie in a hospital bed wondering.  
But when I do fight this nonsensical disorder I see others sit back and watch and observe. They even see the slightest bit of change…a little more fight. Hope? Something. When I stay clean for a short time it makes me feel good inside. Others as well?  
The cycles NEVER stop. They NEVER will. This is a progressive illness. It’s so hard to talk about as are many things from my past and present, but I truly think how you deal with the cycles and how you cope determine how much power you have over the disorder. No, you never have full control. But I’d rather have a little regulation than what I once did I suppose. I have suffered with this for so long and I look back at where I was back then and where I am now…and there is never a foolproof solution or plan…but I’d rather be where I am today than where I was back then. It takes learning the illness, identifying the symptoms, a support system, and I guess what…acting before you act out? Do I always? No! Will I always? No! But I am more prepared.  
As with the cycles, it is another state. And how you choose to deal with it I imagine has to be your own decision. I guess that’s where I am and what I am trying to work on most. 

Set Her Free (A Poem)

Harbingers of hope have abandoned me 
all ability to dream eroded by falling tears 
forever illustrating potential surrendering 
a mirror reflects a destitute lifeless soul 
Behold a cursed entity, glance without deviation into my eyes 
all that I was, is no longer what I will become 
forsaken by an assumption of attainable nirvana 
deathly bewailing is all that remains 
The incontrovertible lucent light begins to fade 
a heart commences to hastily cease, ablaze no more 
too wounded to navigate a passage never walked alone 
destined to be haunted by my failure and hope for her serenity 
 
A sacrifice must be made so the damning may come to an end 
bring forth all the noxious perdition as my only honorable deed 
release an angel from a formidable grasp, to inescapably see 
existence too long, forbidding, it is time for her to be free 
@Touching Madness 

*Re-Blog* If I were to Die Tonight – I am learning – Forgive me

https://nanditayata.wordpress.com/2018/03/10/if-i-were-to-die-tonight/

Life is a lonesome journey
until you find your soulmate
Even then you really walk alone
to the destination ultimate

We are all cosmic travellers here
in the quest for happiness, we keep going
We call it living a life
Aren’t we all but dying?

And so, a thought crosses my mind:

If I were to die tonight
would you cry a few remorseful tears?
over my cold dead body
that will no longer taste your fears
After I’m gone, I wonder if you would testify
your love for me and gratify
my grave with my favourite wildflowers and beautify
Tell me, if I were to die tonight, would you
kneeling over my epitaph – my love for you – sanctify?

©NMY

Inevitability (A Poem)

Plummeting from a compassionate pedestal once placed upon 
forever haunted by a fragmented clock displaying an inevitable fate 
castles in the air devoured by time and miscommunication 
Predicted by a prophet, but imploded by fools to blind to see 
brilliant but adamant and too cautious because of past pain 
touching ecstasy, but about to walk blinded right back into the darkness 
A tragedy can never be a whirlwind until the damage is permanent 
Embrace the catastrophe that lies before you, witness your ultimate demise 
Visualize if you will, if the sands of hourglass could be turned upside down 
In the eleventh hour, unfeigned happiness can just slip away without sound 
turbulence controls situations that reach beyond anyone’s control 
misfortune can conclude circumstance but in the end our hearts decide destiny 
@Touching Madness

The Fear is Finally Leaving (A Poem)

No longer conscious of all the pain 
tears personify all the endless agony  
as they spatter onto the ground all around me 
hope has shifted, I am no longer brave enough 
All that once shimmered so bright and lite my path 
has painstakingly turned everything I foresee to utter blackness 
a turning point where no life-line is discernable  
no more crying out – these deteriorated wings have simply given out 
My heart? 
Shattered 
My eyes? 
streaming bloody lament 
All the light has now gone out and I see only darkness 
pleasure and elation has vanished leaving only sorrow and dread 
slowly evaporating to a nothingness that will climatically consume 
toppled to my knees with no awareness that gravity has finally taken hold 
@Touching Madness

Sheltered Adulation (A Poem)

Crepuscular light projects gently across a field of stargazers 
the nights sky softly leaves impressions of pure unremitting hope 
Perfectly translucid water resounds in utter silence 
this waterfall cascades beautifully right before me 
A solitary rose materializes in a twinkling 
embodying only dreams of promise and belief 
A sense of perfection radiates from her very core 
brought here for a purpose, to restore what could not be 
Pulling from eternal gardens she has enabled strength 
to allow an empty soul to believe in a heart again 
@Touching Madness