Farewell to all the eternal joy
a universe at no time certain as it is
enamored by all of life’s pleasurable addicted tastes
death reveals existence for what it truly is, poison…
I will never escape, this is reality…
Wealth cannot bribe; providing happiness
as endless treasures cannot cure a cursed mind
all things are made to end and eventually fade
a scourge without any warning brings a conclusion
I will never escape, this is a reality…
Splendor can be a exotic perennial floweret
the perfect illusion of what may last an eternity
a blossom who’s scent and beauty tempt every desire
but eventually succumbing, fatally ravaged by yet another season
I will never escape, this is a reality…
The executioner holds open the gate
I can finally savor death’s virulence
treading down unto the stairway to my own grave
a lavish painted mounted sky wane’s once and for all
I will never escape, this is a reality…
I read A LOT! Like way more than I probably should about bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, PTSD, abandonment issues, molestation, self-harm, etc. Really anything that I has touched my life I simply read over and over again. I do it myself and would anyways, but my therapist encourages me to do so as well. She throws me links and books that covers all these different topics. Trust me I have covered endless material.
Tonight, I ran across one that I just was reading and I thought I would throw it out there and tag along my thoughts along with it as I went through it. It may be redundant too many of you, but again to me it helps me relate and cope.
1st off…the 1st statement said people have mood swings every 5 minutes. Of course, these are set up as of kind of a fact/fiction basis type thing. Verbatim “People with ultradian cycling bipolar have several shifts in a day, but most bipolar sufferers experience them at a far slower rate. Some people even have years of, or years between episodes.”
I truly tend to agree with this for the most part. The misconception is that we are all over the place ALL the time. This is not necessarily the case. But what people do not realize that there are what I refer to as BIG cycles and what I refer to as MINI cycles. I can experience both in short term…very fast paced cycles or longer term like stated above. But for the most past I experience a tremendous amount of mini cycles even throughout a day. And trust me these are not like getting in a bad mood or a good mood and then pushing forth. But anyway…moving onward.
“But everyone has mood swings.
Indeed, but ours are not simple mood swings, they’re harmful episodes. People without bipolar, as well as people whose bipolar has been stabilized, experience moods that relate to what’s going on in their lives. People with active/untreated bipolar experience them as a result of the disorder regardless of life events, and at a far more serious level than ‘normal’ moods.”
I suppose this was my previous point. Bipolar cycles are nothing what people call normal moods. I am sorry. There just is a difference. I’ve tried to explain this. I’ve kind of given up on this point and allow them to believe what they want to believe and deal with what I have to on my own and count on my support team who understand.
And here is another one which so many people how no idea or info about…why? Because they have no interest in educating themselves.
Bipolar people are always either manic or depressed.
List all the moods you can think of – we get those too. Where specific bipolar episodes are concerned, there are more options, like mixed states and anxious distress (two of the specifiers listed in the DSM 5), not to mention (shudder) anhedonia, which is the inability to feel pleasure in formerly pleasurable things.
Many people do in fact know about mixed states but in fact do not still comprehend about these states in the least. Not uncommon to depression…these can be as dangerous as dangerous depression when dealing with suicide. But I’d say so few people understand anxious distress and shutter anhedonia whatsoever. Moving onwards.
This is one of the most totally ridiculous misconceptions out there! Yes, we can have a blast! We can go out and spend, affairs, drink, take drugs, party, etc… but my god it is far from IT!
Mania is fun.
Hypomania (mania lite) can be fun to a certain extent and even mania might feel good – for a while. You’re thinking of things like happiness and euphoria though, moods without negative results. Bipolar is a disorder and mania can feel beyond awful at the time, consist of uncomfortable features (agitation and rage, for example) and have terrible consequences. We all have horrible memories of those.
I have been at a lost and broken and frustrated reaching out for help and no one understands. Why? Because they believe what they want. The stigma surrounding mania as many parts of bipolar I guess. Moving on again!
A no brainer here…we all know the answer to this one…but it still is a misconception and still drives me nuts to this day. Bipolar is a progressive illness.
Bipolar disorder can be cured. I wish. There’s no cure, there’s no recovery. There’s only the possibility of remission. The guarantees are nil, the palliative care is inadequate, the costs are high and a cure is the holiest of holy grails.
Enough said…moving on.
This one is another that eats me up inside. Before a serious argument can even be made concerning this statement…really the statistics in each country should be looked at side by side along with bipolar individuals at the same time.
Bipolar people can’t sustain relationships.
Relationships are tricky for everyone and there’s no denying that bipolar brings its own set of challenges to the table. That doesn’t mean lasting relationships are impossible for people with bipolar, you wouldn’t even need to go further than WordPress to find lots of people in long relationships and marriages.
And lastly…something that really gets me because of all the violence that has gone on and all the finger pointing that directly goes to the mentally ill. Yes, there are some individuals that suffer mental illness. It is simply a minority with the massive amount of people that do suffer and do not in fact commit crimes. They also tie in people that are not directly correlated to a specific mental illness as such but just violent behavior and such. And when someone with no history of mental health commits a violent crime it is left unsaid and even talked about.
Bipolar people are violent/dangerous.
As with other badly treated minorities, crime etc. stats are higher than they are in the general population, but the statement as it stands is simply another ill thought out generalization. Most people with bipolar disorder are neither violent nor dangerous.
Enough said…I read this article and I enjoyed reading it. I mostly write poetry…trying to expound a little. Won’t be much…but hey! A little here and there can’t hurt right? Take care all!
*UGH – Re-write & maybe another re-write coming…my apologies…
I allow myself to precipitate my own sorrow
I provide the shovel to dig my own grave
I paint and depict a treacherous sea
while brushing every deadly final swallowing swell
I am the foretelling shadow of their young future
I am the murkiness that they have not identified
I am the nefarious hidden figure who shall steal their delectation
to always obscure two told innocent victims of any life
Two souls stripped of any perception of normality
two souls deprived of all aspirations and effulgence
two souls plundered without any choice of their own
Cursed by a sire; handing adversity instead of probability
She and he were always dreamers, but forced to submit
she and he were always misconceived and rattled, always unsettled
she and he were always so strong and fought, until they just broke down
life’s allowances no more, realization has made its transformation
A gift! Souls that have been awakened forever…
For far too long I have hidden behind words through poems or secluded myself and used lyrics in complete darkness to try to understand my pain/euphoria/anxiety/agitation. I have always had a difficult time addressing my own issues directly. Whether it be family, friends or even in groups dealing with similar problems I can talk and give wonderful advice. I am capable of having the biggest heart and being full of compassion. Unfortunately, when it comes to myself I freeze. I internalize everything and just choose not to face my own issues. The pain has haunted me for so long I suppose it has just become a hard habit to break.
I think I have gone down every avenue at this point. Regrettably that covers good and bad. Of course, rinse and repeat. Journaling, therapy, hospitals, friends, family, support groups, internet reading, books, hospitals, suicide attempts, 2 comas, drugs, alcohol, self-harm etc. I think most of us know the drill. It is never easy and I believe you live and learn. Sometimes it takes many times of going through the same things over and repeating the same mistakes just to get it through our thick heads.
Some techniques work better than others of course and again everyone is different. My problem that I guess I have found is that there never has been one perfect solution. It will last for just so long and then I have to find something else. Thus, the writing. My mask if you will. A sense that I can get out hidden emotions even if it may only make sense to myself sometimes.
What I have found though is the writing is never enough. And sadly, there is always something that tags along. I may be able to do therapy for an extended period of time, but there is always something that accompanies that.
Fighting that endless battle to find the solution to constantly cope with this beast that always seems to have a strangle hold is tough. Not exactly fair. I didn’t ask for this, but it is what it is and it is something I have to keep fighting. Am I the most uplifting person in the world? No not always. And certainly, if you read my poetry you wouldn’t be able to tell this at all. But if you sat across from me, you’d see a fighter. Quite often even a big smile. Not one that always wins, but at least I try and get up.
I am absolutely not proud of the times I have drank far too much and made an ass out of myself. Or turned to drugs. Or put family and friends through watching me lie in a hospital bed wondering.
But when I do fight this nonsensical disorder I see others sit back and watch and observe. They even see the slightest bit of change…a little more fight. Hope? Something. When I stay clean for a short time it makes me feel good inside. Others as well?
The cycles NEVER stop. They NEVER will. This is a progressive illness. It’s so hard to talk about as are many things from my past and present, but I truly think how you deal with the cycles and how you cope determine how much power you have over the disorder. No, you never have full control. But I’d rather have a little regulation than what I once did I suppose. I have suffered with this for so long and I look back at where I was back then and where I am now…and there is never a foolproof solution or plan…but I’d rather be where I am today than where I was back then. It takes learning the illness, identifying the symptoms, a support system, and I guess what…acting before you act out? Do I always? No! Will I always? No! But I am more prepared.
As with the cycles, it is another state. And how you choose to deal with it I imagine has to be your own decision. I guess that’s where I am and what I am trying to work on most.
No longer conscious of all the pain
tears personify all the endless agony
as they spatter onto the ground all around me
hope has shifted, I am no longer brave enough
All that once shimmered so bright and lite my path
has painstakingly turned everything I foresee to utter blackness
a turning point where no life-line is discernable
no more crying out – these deteriorated wings have simply given out
streaming bloody lament
All the light has now gone out and I see only darkness
pleasure and elation has vanished leaving only sorrow and dread
slowly evaporating to a nothingness that will climatically consume
toppled to my knees with no awareness that gravity has finally taken hold
I don’t write much anymore. I haven’t needed to. I started my blog years ago as a way of releasing the voices in my head that had grown so loud I couldn’t trust reality anymore. These voices played havoc on my relationships and nearly cost me my life. At the time I had a friendship […]