*2017* A hard year to let go of…but how about a fresh start? 2018 :)
So much tragedy…but one more time? Than as with the wind let it go? I have a very large family. I lost 3 members of this ever growing tribe and a dear friend who succumbed to to bipolar and PTSD. Two basically raised when I was basically abandoned from a lack of understanding and education from the times and stigma at the age of 15. The other was a friend that got me through all the hard times and gave me acceptance and a will to fight. The past is the past and you have to let go. You always MUST move forward. But you never forget!
A fresh year and hopefully nothing but positives? I try and smile and focus on a new year. I am stuck in a rut. Contemplating on what transpired. I have been placed on 3 mood stabilizers. OMG! I am now on 4 med (including my benzo). I haven’t been on this many in God knows when. I have been self- medicating a little bit here and there which I know…I know does not help the depression. I normally split about even between mania and depression…even leaning more towards mania more…even if I write more about depression or mixed states. It is natural for me. It is comfortable. And I am going through tremendous guilt seeing my two children suffer with their own bipolar.
Positive! Positive! Push passed the past! That is what my therapist always reinforces. So with that. I dump out my drink…and will try. No promises…but for tonight…that is my goal. That is my resolution. Be their for my children. Help them focus what is in front of them…help them see what I never had the chance to see. Prepare for the mistakes I made before they occur. Identify the triggers and symptoms.
Will I slip? Of course. Will I still be depressed and cycle? Of course. My posts will still probably center around the sadder side of bipolar because that is my therapeutic side. But when all is said in done…in the background if I can maintain any sort of smile…or a necessary mask and push forth I will.
2018 WILL be better! It has to be right?