Forever Guilt…

Suffering from this disorder myself is a process of constant med changes, endless hurt, growing from mistakes and always picking up the pieces. It never ends and it unfortunately lasts a lifetime. But you learn from the hardships and adapt your life after years constant struggles. But it takes a lot of time, there are no perfect solutions, you will always have to get back up and learn to fight another day. I have learned to accept these demons, they will always be apart of me. You have to gain a lot of forgiveness for the things that you have done over time.

Regrettably this illness is partially passed genetically. Over time my son had early onset and was diagnosed with bipolar. It literally tore me apart to watch him have to deal with all the monsters that went along with bipolar at such an early age. Thankfully his diagnosis was a little less severe than mine and it was caught early and his condition is somewhat under control besides the occasional fali-up. But I know this is a progressive illness and it leaves me with a lot of concern and an incredible amount of guilt. Of both of my children I never would have guessed it would have been him. Then just recently…and I saw this one coming for years…I charted her moods for years…my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar 1 like myself. She is so confused, it hit her hard and her symptoms are a lot similar to mine. She will have years of suffering before she finds any stability and no doctor would diagnosis her till she broke finally breakdown. Now both of my children are bipolar for the rest of their lives life myself and I have an incredible amount of guilt. I hide it, I wear my best masks because I’ve learned after so many years to always put them on when needed.

The only thing that I can see positive out of all this mess is that I have I have seen the absolute worst this disorder has to dish out many times over. The experience I have with this will surely offer something to them both. I can spot signs and symptoms miles away unless I am in the worst places myself. I know all the meds better than most doctors do do because I’ve been on most of them many many times. And the new ones that come out I have a one of the best psychiatrists in the world. Hopefully my knowledge will benefit them, where I went at this all alone and made mistake after mistake will help prevent them from going down the same paths. But what scares me the most is I can not stop all the decisions and I can not shield them from all the pain. What I have given them is not without any positives at all. But the negatives do outweigh the positives in my eyes. I have stared into the eyes of this storm countless times and it scares me that they will ever have to do this on their own.

In the end…no matter what kind of help I can provide them myself. Or no matter what help I can get them. The overwhelming amount of guilt that I will always carry with me in silence, because I will never let them burden them, will always haunt me.

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