Hushed whispers scorn my unwitting mind
Irrevocable damage is splashed throughout
Distorted thoughts obscure all that I am
The incomprehensible truth is buried within the debris
Screams for the silent murmurs to end never fade
This cavernous inferno will never cease to exist
The impairment will keep on afflicting like some grisly plague
There will be no mercy until the dreadful atrocity has finally prevailed
In the end I will at long last be set free from my unbreakable shackles
Ultimately being permitted to abscond from my personal Hell
Moods have been fairly been stuck in one place or another as of late. Bet just over the last couple days I have been cycling every couple hours and it’s driving me crazy. These are not huge cycles, but they are enough severe enough to def throw me off balance and to try and manage them is becoming more difficult the longer this persists.
My anxiety is running high. Of course it is getting frustrating. And not knowing whether you are going to lay around and cry or be up with tons of energy bouncing off the walls or spending money is exhausting. I am just ready for things to sway one way or another and stay that way for any length of time. I know this sounds ridiculous…but so I can find some peace…and not knowing who I am so many times a day.
The rapid cycling is sometimes just as bad as the full blown cycles for me because there is so much constant change so quickly. Well I don’t know I guess…Is there really a state that is easy? I suppose I just want this one to end for now and deal with the next.
In the undying shadows
the deathless murmurs
and hastening gusts
Stillness encompasses me
no radiance, no existence, no inhalation
it propels me to a ledge
a perpetual catastrophe
a concluding finale
My mind has deceived me yet again
What I see and hear can not always be understood
A vision of delight manifests itself right before my eyes
Regrettably the magnificent stage is always empty
The thwarted sounds of madness ring true
But these songs replay again and again for me
Hidden in the depths of what is reality or Hell
The orchestra will never cease to perform
In my world, filled with such figments of imagination
This symphony will always play with such beguiling grandeur
I have suffered from bipolar disorder for a very long time. I pretty much know the in’s and out’s of most of the illness. I know my triggers. I know the meds. And I have learned all the different kinds of therapy techniques that DO help. Basically I am able to find small positives except during major cycles. But occasionally both the disorder and situational circumstances become very overwhelming in life. The two knock you down a long way and I think everyone struggles with these exceptions themselves.
My mood has dipped considerably, so I am headed on a hopefully what is just a temporary downward spiral. Then there is a lot of stressors (or triggers) that are presenting themselves currently that are unavoidable. As a father when one of your children is experiencing difficult times, you go through them as well, and try to do whatever is necessary to make things right.
I know…I know. The old adage, put the air on yourself first in flight or you won’t be able to assist your child. Well sometimes I believe that is easier said than done when you are standing there watching your own child drowning in front of you. My health suddenly becomes the last thing I worry about, and my child will always take precedence. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Always have, always will.
I attempt to balance the two out, but I have been down this road so many times, I know how to pick up the pieces. I’d rather be the one that hurts more in the end if it means my child suffers less.
So as the day goes on, I will go into my closet and reach for one of my best masks that I have learned to store up over the years and will put on the most stoic positive face I can even though deep down inside this it is not the case at all. It’s not that I won’t deal with my disorder, I will. But there are times in your life that even when it is not possible to be positive, you have to continue to be there for others even when you feel like you just can’t even take care of yourself.
There have been too many times over my life where I laid there catatonic or was off on some manic binge that even when I am starting to hit basement level that I will not push and push this illness aside to try and make up for all those years. I am far from perfect, never will be. I am sure I will have major episodes again…but today I will brush aside all my issues and this time be the one to help.
On and off I do follow professional advice given to me. Yes I know I should more often! I always take my meds, keep somewhat of a routine and avoid triggers. But the small things that could/should help me I do not always always keep up with on a continuous basis. Will I ever learn? Um…probably not…but for now let’s pretend I am.
Over the last couple months I have been charting my moods very regularly as my psychiatrist and therapist recommended and asked me to. They said it would help them assist me better all while helping myself begin to identify my ever-changing moods better.
I was kind of like – really? I have been suffering from this for most of my life. I think I realize when I cycle into mania or depression. But I suppose professionals do know more then this stubborn guy who has been fighting any sort of treatment besides meds for forever.
Thus I started. Couple days in…didn’t notice anything that I don’t recognize myself. One week charting…and I still did make any wonderous observations. I’ll tell you I was about to give up like I usually do…and I started to see small patterns at first. Then I began to recognize cycles by triggers. I began to see how long my cycles lasted and that lead to finally seeing how often I was rapid cycling. I was finally convinced this had a purpose rather than just being another mundane tedious thing I was partaking in.
When I took this to my doctor he didn’t gloat or anything likewise or course…he just pointed out how important something this small was for both himself and me. He thanked me…and for a brief moment…I even felt I was doing something right.
- Mind you I don’t feel this very often
Suffering from this disorder myself is a process of constant med changes, endless hurt, growing from mistakes and always picking up the pieces. It never ends and it unfortunately lasts a lifetime. But you learn from the hardships and adapt your life after years constant struggles. But it takes a lot of time, there are no perfect solutions, you will always have to get back up and learn to fight another day. I have learned to accept these demons, they will always be apart of me. You have to gain a lot of forgiveness for the things that you have done over time.
Regrettably this illness is partially passed genetically. Over time my son had early onset and was diagnosed with bipolar. It literally tore me apart to watch him have to deal with all the monsters that went along with bipolar at such an early age. Thankfully his diagnosis was a little less severe than mine and it was caught early and his condition is somewhat under control besides the occasional fali-up. But I know this is a progressive illness and it leaves me with a lot of concern and an incredible amount of guilt. Of both of my children I never would have guessed it would have been him. Then just recently…and I saw this one coming for years…I charted her moods for years…my daughter was diagnosed with bipolar 1 like myself. She is so confused, it hit her hard and her symptoms are a lot similar to mine. She will have years of suffering before she finds any stability and no doctor would diagnosis her till she broke finally breakdown. Now both of my children are bipolar for the rest of their lives life myself and I have an incredible amount of guilt. I hide it, I wear my best masks because I’ve learned after so many years to always put them on when needed.
The only thing that I can see positive out of all this mess is that I have I have seen the absolute worst this disorder has to dish out many times over. The experience I have with this will surely offer something to them both. I can spot signs and symptoms miles away unless I am in the worst places myself. I know all the meds better than most doctors do do because I’ve been on most of them many many times. And the new ones that come out I have a one of the best psychiatrists in the world. Hopefully my knowledge will benefit them, where I went at this all alone and made mistake after mistake will help prevent them from going down the same paths. But what scares me the most is I can not stop all the decisions and I can not shield them from all the pain. What I have given them is not without any positives at all. But the negatives do outweigh the positives in my eyes. I have stared into the eyes of this storm countless times and it scares me that they will ever have to do this on their own.
In the end…no matter what kind of help I can provide them myself. Or no matter what help I can get them. The overwhelming amount of guilt that I will always carry with me in silence, because I will never let them burden them, will always haunt me.